This past week was tough, tougher that I could have imagined. My two bests, the two gals I have done life so closely with for the last 6 months were leaving and I was staying behind on this big ship. It was a funny spot to be in--a massive mixture of emotions culminating from all over the board. As sad as I was and am, I still have this overwhelming peace that it will all be okay. That I am answering God’s call to stay, and that even though I can’t figure out what the heck my purpose is yet, that I am being obedient in staying. During one late night chat under the stars I described it like this to Jenny. That I feel like all my life, sometimes (or to be honest most times) without me even recognizing it, God has opened doors and asked me to step through them, and I have done so. Sometimes blindly, sometimes with sadness, other times scared, and a few times confidently---but maybe a little too confidently with this one. I feel like I bolted up a set of stairs, heart pounding, threw open the door and then looked around at that exact same moment as my gut sank....what the heck was I doing here? What is my next step? It’s as if the ground slipped away and I could only see as far as my big toes...but that’s the life we are called to right? That we can’t always see--that visibility may be small or completely non-existent, but what we are left with is faith. Faith in him and that he holds it all together. Faith that he provides for his kids when they follow his lead and even when they don’t that he doesn’t abandon us or look the other way. Faith that he knows exactly where I stand, what is in my heart, and what I need--even when I don’t know myself. So as the day grew closer to Saturday there were tears, lots of them coming from this girl, a girl who doesn’t like to cry, especially in public. Tears over simple life joys like grinding coffee, a beautiful song, the idea of love, or the thought of saying goodbye to people who just get you. That silent understanding that forever friends have. More tears flowing Saturday afternoon as we stood out on the dock, and finally a damn breaking as they drove away, headed away from this place and back into the western world. My tears and puffy eyes, as unflattering as they are, are evidence that we can have glimpses of heaven on earth. That we can touch each other so deeply that it feels like roots are being pulled out of your heart when you must part ways. So back to my room I went once the Landrover disappeared from view, balling like a two year old throwing a tantrum, and planted myself on the floor full on sobbing, reading the notes they had left behind with tears streaming down my face and feeling simply miserable for myself. Then it hit me like a load of bricks, how selfish am I? Here I am, a mess, and there are people literally 30 seconds down the hall in D ward who have never known the type of love I feel for others because they were dealt a different life card. Because of a physical feature no one has ever given them the opportunity to feel loved, to feel cared for in the way that these beautiful women of God cared for me. This is where God stepped in, put a loving hand on my shoulder, and in a sweet yet direct voice said “Pull it together Hannah. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you are insanely blessed, you have life, you are exactly where I want you to be, there is work to be done, people to serve, and other lives to enter here--so seriously sister, Pull it together”......So that is where I am resting now and it feels so sweet. Yes, I can be sad that my friends left, they touched a part of my life that few others have--but there are so many other amazing people here to do life with. God has provided so much in the last two days, and has put so many things on my heart. It is going to take being intentional, being vulnerable, walking out of my cabin each day with an open and tender heart, but he has big things for me here. I just know it, and it all starts today, a fresh new day ready to be explored.
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